I’ll do it tomorrow…

Been a while since I wrote something in there. I’m not gonna change its purpose, I’ll still share some thoughts and random babbling. 

Lastly I’ve been feeling rather good, at least that’s what I want to make people think. I don’t want to wine anymore and social media and look like an emo one, even if I am one ._.

I mean, I just won’t bother to post anything sad anymore, I’ll keep everything to myself. 

Though I must say it’s rather hard to keep all of that just for me. The last three weeks, I felt a powerful wave of positive feelings going inside my head as the sun and warm weather went back. But since a few days, it already left me. Not surprised, school restarted…

And I must say I don’t feel good anymore about school. I just want it to be over as soon as possible. Not that I don’t like the school itself, but the system. I just don’t like not to be free, I’m always thinking about stuff for school, stuff we have to do, and I must say it blocks me from doing anything else. I just can’t… seem to be able to allow myself to do anything I want to do if school work isn’t done. I know, that’s silly to hear, but I’m like that… And I just don’t like standing up doing nothing (which is the result of the block I got from the conflict of personal work and school stuff. 

Also, school is becoming harder for me… One need a creative mind to be able to work there, and being creative isn’t my best. We got examples of exams we’ll get next year, and it’s really worrying me now. Lack of creative mind, and grades falling as I’m progressing through that diploma… 

I hope I’ll do a lot of progress, and be able to unblock myself, and being more creative… I’m really worried about my diploma, and future in general.

I also got back from a fur meet which was happening during the holidays, a week ago. And I must say, I didn’t enjoy it. Not because of the program, which was rather good, and the organization which was fine too. The problem was myself. I was supposed to be there with some furs I knew, but one couldn’t make it at the last moment, two others decided not to go, and the few ones I knew didn’t care about me as I’m not one of their best friend. I tried to get to know some, but it was rather hard. I barely talked during the weekend. I think I talked to myself more than to other people. In fact, I felt like at EF : there, but I would be away, it would be the same. No one would notice. Eh, I guess that’s what happens when you aren’t a good drawer or if you can’t bring attention. Not being easily social is also hard, but how to join people when they are in group between 5 and 10 people ? Sorry, it’s not easy for someone like me.

That’s why I took the decision to stay alone on my side and not go to fur meets anymore. It won’t change anything, and I won’t be missed there. I’ll probably go to them if I get to be more social, but that won’t happen before a while.

Today I also realized how useless I could be to my classmates. Same feeling as for the fur meet. So I decided to stay quite, not bother anyone, and only answer when talked to. I feel like a pain for people in general, and I don’t want to be one.

Murrpy will stay alone in his corner when not online… He’ll try to get more social, and maybe he’ll make it tomorrow…

Mood drop. Can downer be possible ? (Beware : drama)

First of all, I wish to all of you all the best for the new year which is starting. 2012 for me has been a really good year. I graduated, got a decent salary this summer, met some furs at Berlin when I went there, went to Eurofurence, spent time with furs for the new year, and did a lot of new improvements in graphic design.

Sadly, I can’t say 2013 starts well. Well, in fact, it did, because I spent a wonderful week with 12 other furs in mountains. Some were from Belgium, some from Swiss, and the other from France. It was really great. We did a lot of activities in mountain, in the snow. Hike, ski… With a great weather too. I met some wonderful furs and shared a lot of cuddles and smiles. In fact, I never felt -that- good. For the first time since a while, I felt loved, cared, and friendly with people. I also did something I didn’t use to : I talked a lot. And I don’t remember talking like that since… since I was 4 or 5 ? Yes. As the time passed, I learnt to just shut up and listen. But with those furs, I just let myself go, because I felt I was accepted. I was also happy to share a physical contact. Cuddles and hugs made me feel really relaxed. For the first time since a while, I didn’t worry about anything.

But all good things must end as they say. And it ended all too soon. When I left everyone, when I went back to my flat, I felt… lonely. And I think I never felt that down before. And it keeps going since 3 days now. Also, school doesn’t help.

Today I went back to school. We started with a hard lesson… And bad results. And bad results in this lesson especially is not going to help me feel better. As well as in some other lessons where we need some “analysis spirit”, that I don’t have. Or not enough deep in my case. I better learn to do better analysis of things. In general. For example, I don’t have any point of view, I often relate on what others think to build my own point of view. And that always brings me in some hard situation…

Then, came the French lesson. The teacher gave us or marks of the first semester. Bad results as expected, and even a comment from the teacher : “It was great at first, but then I felt saw your marks going down. Is that normal ?”. I couldn’t help but answer “It’s because school is boring. I can’t stand it anymore as well as other things”. Yes, I said that. The teacher was a bit surprised, and I got to talk about that with her after. I just explained what I felt about school : hard level in my case, and always worrying about everything we have to do. She completely understood me and tried to cheer me up. At least that something which made me feel a bit better.

But then I went back to my flat… And I felt the loneliness, the physical one, back. 

I’d just need someone close to me, living with me. My family, or just a mate… Someone who could be here with me to help me feel better… That and my OCD, my lack of motivation… Everything brings me downer and downer. I’d like to talk about that with my parents, I just can’t. I’m not strong enough… As I write that, I’m almost crying. I want this situation to end. What’s wrong with me ? I just want some help from someone, and some love… Please, someone hear me… :’(